Lately, when having conversation with Siena, I’ve noticed a need for her define what is happening or what we are saying; put it in a box. She creates a rule about it, so to speak.

For example, I might be explaining why you must wear a seatbelt in the car and she will relay to me her version of what I said. “If you don’t wear a seatbelt then you will die and the police will make you pay and put you in gaol”. Interesting take on what I really said. It reminds me of when I was in kindergarten and I remember thinking that if you kissed a boy, you had to marry him. Had to. I know this is an offhand statement by a young child but if you look a little closer you will see a rigidity in that way of thinking which leaves you without possibility for anything else.

It seems to me that she wants some security in life, some guarantee. And she is not the only one.

In my experience, managing your expectations can save you a lot of disappointment and conflict in life. You may ask, what do I mean by managing them?

I mean communicating what you need or want, without assuming that the other knows by osmosis, what is going on in your head. I mean, understanding that people sometimes cannot do what you want for reasons of their own and respecting their right to choose that, without anger or judgement.

No one is obliged to do anything for anyone, unless they, themselves want to. So coming into any relationship or work scenario with a sense of entitlement, and fixed attitude, usually gets you nowhere. I know, I’ve done it myself.

I’m not saying you should compromise what you want to your detriment but more that if you can’t get what you want, for whatever the reason may be, accept what is happening and look elsewhere instead of using judgement to justify why you have been ‘stopped’ in your endeavours. You can still communicate that something doesn’t work for you in any scenario, without a rigidity about whether it’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and with respect. We are all “happy people’ when we get what we want, it’s who you are being when you don’t, that makes a difference in life.

So, in trying to teach my 4 ½ year old to be flexible and accept that sometimes 1 + 1 doesn’t equal 2, I’ve realised that those statements she makes about why you must wear a seatbelt, need some gentle guidance. Like “Sure, honey. That’s one thing that could happen, but there are lots of other possibilities. Let’s have a look at those.”

I’ll remember that myself, next time I’m stuck on how something should have panned out for me and I’m moping around blaming everyone but myself. I can take responsibility and look at other possibilities. Making sure I remember that rules are meant to be broken.

See you next month, Cath