So, I’m cleaning up my 5000th poo of the week and wondering when I got the job of being the household “poo picker-upperer”? When did it happen? Why did it happen? How come I got the job? I’m not qualified!!!
What kind of qualifications do you think you need to obtain this illustrious role?
Well, in the first instance you have to look to where you are responsible. I mean, gushing about how your child made the ‘cutest little nugget’ will assist. Offhand remarks about how adorable their ‘poo face’ is, also goes a long way to making you the main contender.
The voluntary, spontaneous research you perform in having forums with other like-minded experts over coffee and in the park playground shows commitment and can give you that extra edge, which will secure the role.
Your expertise on the subject is apparent when you discuss with assertiveness, the in depth knowledge you have acquired about your baby’s bowel movements in relation to diet, illness and fluid intake. You can also partake in an animated, although informative, debate with peers on the subject of which colour play dough is the most easily identifiable in the faeces; this is also dependent on the colour of the faeces. Blue is always a standout.
Form, odour, shade and consistency also play a part individually; you have all the different varieties categorically committed to memory. That kind of knowledge is inspiring for a potential employer and will often stimulate further enquiry.
Any fluctuation in texture must be reported to the laundry monitor (that is why you often talk to yourself), then disposed of in a thorough manner. Excrement that occurs in a fluid like state can be harmful and must be managed with extreme delicacy; it is imperative for an experienced consultant to manage these kinds of emergency situations, or there could be disastrous consequences. The most effective products need to be utilised along with instant sanitary removal of the liquid, which can prove to be very tricky.
And lastly, it can be a tiresome role, so your enthusiasm must never wane. The reason for this is that there really is no one else in the household who is adept and thorough enough in all aspects of the maintenance and disposal of the offending matter, as you have quite often pointed out to anyone attempting to usurp your position. This kind of banter can be inspirational for those who covet the role; to recognise so clearly your innate desire and expertise on the subject.
Amateurs generally need a specialised consult prior to attempting something so potentially hazardous and you have responsibility to apprentices everywhere to be strict in your instruction and honest in your criticism. Charges for expert instruction are on application.
You are a professional, after all. Until next month, Cath
About the author
Catherine Jefferies began Yummy Bubby as a healthy, baby food business that delivered nutritious meals to mums around the East Coast of Australia. Yummy Bubby has now developed to become on online information resource and blog, for parents of children aged 0-18 years.
Catherine is the editor and founder of Yummy Bubby. She lives in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney with her young daughter Siena, who is now 6 years old and who is slowly, but surely asserting herself in the household.
Catherine currently spends much of her time picking up pink pieces of plastic and miniature clothes, bags, hats, phones and shoes. For the uneducated, this is called a 'Barbie Explosion' and occurs naturally at least once a day at home...
Read more from Cath Jefferies